Hello friends! It’s another cold winter day here. Ugh. Will spring ever come?! I’m in Rochester, MN this week at my favorite client, so it’s going to be a good week regardless of the cold weather. Thank goodness!
I believe I’ve told you that I’m working on some body love right now as part of my intuitive eating journey and healing myself from diets. It’s not easy! Some days I feel awesome about myself, and then others I feel awful. I know that sounds pretty normal, but the awful ones are just really, really awful. An example: This weekend I went to a bachelorette party for my friend Julie. I was already feeling like crap since it’s that time of the month, and I had super bad cramps and bloating. TMI? Don’t care. Anyway, I tried to wear an outfit that I felt good in, but it didn’t stop me from judging myself. After we would take a picture, or when I would see my reflection in something, I just kept spewing the self hate. I can be so cruel.
Where am I going with this? Well, nowhere really. I just want to tell you I’m working on it. I started the book, Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance, last week, but of course I immediately fell behind on the whole daily practice. (It’s a daily journal prompter to move you towards loving yourself.) Travel and a busy schedule will do that. Then over the weekend, I just didn’t want to work on loving myself. Yep, I just wanted to get in my own way and hate myself for being fat.
Today I’m starting back at the book with days 3 and 4. See, I really got far when I started the book! I’ll let you know how it goes. I’m hoping it gets to at least a place of acceptance. After the lows of the last couple of weekends, that’s all I am hoping for.
My Intuitive Eating Journey
I think I should stop and do a recap of my intuitive eating journey – what I’ve done, what I’ve learned, where I am now, and where I’m going. Since I only pop in a couple of times a week (if that) to chat with you, it can be easy to get lost in what the heck is up. Here’s a summary starting at the very beginning…
June – I was really struggling with weight loss, having bounced back and forth between WW and counting calories then adding Paleo in for a short while. I thought maybe I could just find a coach online to help me out. I discovered Marna Thall from ThinWithin, who preaches intuitive eating for weight loss. I immediately signed up for her 6 month coaching through her Gold Member Group. All was good for a while. I worked on intuitive eating and felt like I was losing a bit of weight here and there.
July & August – I began to get really discouraged with intuitive eating. I didn’t feel like I could do it! So many of my usual bad habits seemed to be getting in the way, and I was gaining weight instead of losing it. I began to blame alcohol for my issues, thinking that it was the nights where I went out drinking and binged that were my problem. (I later realized this wasn’t the problem, and by loosening up and letting myself know it’s okay to go out and drink more than 2 drinks, I’m doing better with the after drinking binge sessions.)
September & October – I gave up on intuitive eating and started counting calories. I wanted to blend the two. Of course this didn’t work for me, but I kept trying.
November & December – I was back on the intuitive eating train with Marna! However, my program with Marna ended in November. I didn’t want to sign up for another 6 months with her, since I didn’t feel like it was going to work. I looked into the option of getting a therapist to deal with my issues. Then, at the end of November, I signed up for Jamie Mendell’s Good Life Challenge. I loved the format of it so much that I decided to try working with her for my intuitive eating.
January & February – I have come so far! I’m now eating intuitively at least 80% of the time (I’d say even more than that most days!). Some weeks aren’t that great (like two weeks ago when I was sick), but I’ve been using those as learning tools. I’ve found out that my struggles with intuitive eating in the past were because I wasn’t enjoying my life enough to stop eating for pleasure. Now I’m trying to incorporate joy and fun into each day. It’s like keeping myself busy so I don’t think about food all of the time. During this process, however, I’ve put on a ton of weight. That’s what I’m currently struggling with – loving and accepting myself at this size so that I can gently remove the weight. I truly believe we have to at least accept ourselves in order to remove weight. That’s really been my stumbling block in the last few years whenever I would try to lose weight. I can’t stop blaming myself for gaining all of this weight back after I had worked so hard to lose it in 2009. I need to accept that fact and move on. Easier said than done.
Since I struggled with my thoughts a lot this weekend, I went back to My Fitness Pal yesterday in an attempt to “get control” over my weight. That was a bad idea. I immediately deleted the app this morning. I need to stop thinking that counting calories is the answer! I know it’s not! How many times now in the last 5 years (ugh… how has it been 5 years?!) since I’ve regained this weight have I tried counting calories to lose it again? Um constantly. How many times has it worked? Um none. You dummy, quit going back to something that doesn’t work! Go back and read your posts about what thin people do!
Sorry, I needed to get real with myself there for a moment. Sometimes it’s just what we need to do.
So what am I going to do now?
• Work on my body love as mentioned
• Work on getting more healthy foods into my diet. My fingernails miss my veggies! Seriously, I usually have fingernails that grow long and strong, but with the poor diet I’ve been eating, they keep breaking.
• Incorporate more exercise into my life. Part of the reason I have been feeling down on myself is that I feel so out of shape. Going to an exercise class feels embarrassing to me now because I’ve lost all my muscle. The problem is that I keep finding excuses as to why I don’t want to work out. I need to remind myself that I actually like working out because it makes my mind and body feel good when I’m done.
I’m getting re-started today! I did a quick 8 minute SparkPeople workout this morning when I woke up before my alarm, I got a healthy Greek yogurt parfait for breakfast, and later today I’m going to do some body love journaling. I’m on the path to success, I just need to keep remembering that and stop jumping off!